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Balthus & Constance B

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Balthus enters the scene
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Balthus
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What's with all the ruckus, I wonder? Wait... Isn't that Constance?
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Balthus leaves the scene
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Constance, Soldier, Soldier enter the scene
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Soldier
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This has nothing to do with you, so keep your nose out of it!
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Soldier
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Yeah, none of your business! Unless you're his girlfriend, that is! Heh.
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Constance
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You ascribe too much to me, sirs. I haven't the qualities that Balthus seeks in a partner.
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Soldier
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So prissy! You Balthus's lady or not?
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Constance
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Softly, please, softly! Such accusations are slander upon his good name.
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Constance
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I have no place in the heart of one so freewheeling and glad.
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Constance
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Were there a list of suitable partners, I should deem myself to be at the tail end of it.
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Soldier
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If you're not his gal, then step off. We're trying to spread some juicy Balthus gossip over here.
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Soldier
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You're nothing to him, so why ruin our fun?
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Constance
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Because what you say is unthinkable.
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Constance
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If you attempt to spread lies that strain credulity so, it will be your own reputations that suffer.
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Constance
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Your reputations or your bones, should Balthus ever learn of this deception.
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Constance
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A hairline break may heal, but the powder he makes of a man's skeleton is another matter...
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Constance
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And that's to say nothing of the jelly that will be left of your organs. Are you not concerned?
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Soldier
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He'll do what?! Oh, um, guess spreading lies is a bad idea. Good thing I'd never do such a thing!
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Soldier
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Uh, right! This is all a big misunderstanding. Thanks for the heads-up!
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Soldier
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We're just gonna back away now. Um, have a nice day!
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Soldier leaves the scene
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Soldier leaves the scene
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Constance
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Whew. I've saved lives today.
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Constance
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They didn't deserve the fury that he would unleash. But then, few would... Hm?
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Constance
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Is that not Balthus standing there?
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Balthus enters the scene
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Balthus
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Hey! Why did you say all that scary stuff about me?! Don't tell people things like that!
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Balthus
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They're not the ones ruining my reputation— you are!
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Constance
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Oh, how shortsighted of me...
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Constance
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I believed myself to be acting in your interest, but I see now that I was mistaken.
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Constance
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I shall regret this indiscretion until my dying day.
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Balthus
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Clearly I need to take anything that falls out of your mouth with a grain of salt. Maybe the whole shaker.
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Balthus
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Still, you did stop those two from talking about me.
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Balthus
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Regardless of how you did it, I guess I should be grateful. So...thanks.
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Constance
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This magnanimity is in keeping with the wondrous man I know you to be.
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Constance
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So open, so accepting... You are a paragon for others to follow.
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Balthus
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Sheesh, maybe it's better when she treats me poorly. Being praised like that is downright uncomfortable...